So here I am coming out to the world that I have always felt like a man/boy inside. As far back as I can remember I have always disliked being a girl. As a child I would get frustrated by the toys I was expected to play with and the games I was forbidden. Why can’t I play football on a team?? I play at home in my neighborhood with all the same boys!! As a teenager I was annoyed at the peer pressure to dress “sexy” and do my hair, wear make up, and so on. BUT I did it anyway as I had to become a woman somehow. I ended up getting pregnant and marrying the child’s father. I played wife and mother but deeply disliked what was expected of me in dress and behaviors. I began to despise my life. I was having sexual fantasies of being with a woman and figured… “OH ohhhh OK, that’s what’s wrong with me. I am a lesbian.” So I left my husband behind and moved onto a lesbian lifestyle. Wow, I was so much happier and more comfortable with a woman. My life had improved tremendously and I found some inner peace. There was something inside me that was struggling though, something poking, some dirty dark secret. Something that brought the feelings of shame and fear. I began to feel unconscious anxiety. I would feel heart palpitations and anxious for no apparent reason. I needed to explore this anxiety and I need to get to the bottom of this mess.
So I began to dig, deep down. Was it my past? Was it the abuse? I have had years of therapy for these issues. What about post traumatic stress disorder from an abusive husband? Maybe. So I began to search within. Asking myself over and over, what makes me anxious? When do I feel the anxiety? What makes me feel ashamed? I noticed that each time my loving partner pointed out something I did that was like a boy I felt ashamed. Each time I had sexual fantasies as a man, I felt ashamed. I felt like a pervert. I felt like there was something really wrong with me.
So I began to seek counseling. We discussed the smaller issues but now I have come out to my counselor. Thank goodness I was smart enough to seek a GLBT friendly counselor. I came out to my counselor. I told her that I felt like a man, often. I also told her I wasn’t sure I was transgendered simply because I didn’t want to transition. I may want to dress like a man, live as a man, but I don’t want to take man made drugs or have surgery. I just CANNOT do that. Many reasons I can’t and maybe I will get into them later.
My counselor informed me that regardless of my choice to transition that it made no difference… I could still choose to identify as a transgendered person. She asked me to do some reading. I did more than that. I read several websites, I am reading books, I joined a forum, I plan to attend a support group, and now I have a blog. Somewhere to write about my choices, my struggles, and my discoveries. I am interested to see where this path takes me.
This is the first time in my life that I have EVER been free to explore the boy side of myself in private or public. I wonder where it will take me?