So I tried to explain to my mother what I have been struggling with. I told her about all my issues and she seemed to be understanding and even connected to most of them. Once I began to talk about my gender issues she stopped listening and started telling me what I was. How I wasn’t transgendered and that everyone feels a little part of the other gender. I listed to what she said and heard her… but I know she didn’t hear me. That’s ok I know that when I talk to her again in a few months about it she would have talked to her gay/transgender friends and they will have helped her better understand where I am coming from. Geeze I am glad my mother is in “the Program” as it seems to help her deal with me.
It was sort of strange how she pointed out that she recognized that I had always been a lesbian. She pointed out my first love affair with a girl at age 11 and I was thinking… so she is verifying that I have always been lesbian. Now it will just take her a while to understand or come to terms with my transgender stuff. I know she will not understand, I don’t expect anyone to understand. But I know she will do her best to come to terms with it.
Recently I have just been cross dressing without tying down my breasts. Right now it is too difficult to tie them down because in public I often have panic attacks and the strapping down of my breasts makes it harder to breathe. So I just been dressing comfortably and try not to worry about what people see when they see me.
I am who I am… I have no gender. I could be described as Genderqueer.
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My own mother died before I discovered my transness. I’m sure she would have listened very quietly nodding here and there and then responded, “well, that’s nice dear, so what?” It isn’t often the momentary facts of things that make a big difference in our lives but what we do with them.