For me, the Testosterone is not an option. It goes against everything I believe in for myself… I don’t even take prescription medications – I only eat organic foods and am a vegetarian – I make all my own medicines – use all natural soaps all over my house. So for me, Testosterone is trying to control nature, something I just can’t do. I don’t do it in my garden, in fact I depend on nature to take good care of my crops so I don’t have to spray or fertilize with anything other than natural fertilizers. This theory that taking gender hormones is “controlling nature” is not meant to pass any judgement on people that choose it for themselves, but for me it would be morally wrong to take the hormones. I can’t change what nature gave me with something that a human has designed, I just don’t have enough respect for humans. Anyway off my environmentalist tree hugging box and back on to gender issues.
For me, it would be okay to work out or find a job/hobby that would help shape my body in a way that would present who I really am. For me, I am something in between male and female, maybe including both. So I pursue all sorts of life changes including food changes, such as I haven’t eaten fast food in 2+ years. I took meat from my diet and its all whole grains… I try to be more active and try to find comfort in moving my body.
Before I became comfortable with my gender I ate everything in sight, and a lot of it. I pursued fast food about 3-4x’s a week or more. I had an insatiable sweet tooth and I rarely ate fruits or vegetables. I had the typical american diet. I hated moving my body and I smoked…. It was like I was doing everything I could to hurt my body. Including having a risky non respectful sex life. I was so disassociated with my body that I didn’t even know when I hurt it. Of course, when I was in therapy a lot of this was dealt with… and I am still working on staying connected to my body. My body was very fem and I never really noticed. I dressed for the situation, sometimes masculine sometimes femme, depending on what I thought was expected at the time. But I was never reflecting the real me and I often felt like I wore a mask. Here’s a photo from the “before” me:
Then some time passed and my partner encouraged me to be whoever I was, even if that meant being a man. She encouraged me to explore and try a little of everything I had a desire to. I cut my hair and got in touch with my body. I quit smoking, I changed my clothing style, I stopped wearing bras, I wore men’s underwear, I changed my food habits. I lost 50lbs after I gained 30lbs quitting smoking. Today I continue to lose weight, slowly and work on the reshaping my body. Slowly, as I didn’t gain this extra baggage in just a few years, it took me 10 years to gain it all. I am changing my lifestyle one piece at a time. Learning to enjoy moving my body and changing my lifestyle to include this desire has been tough, but I am working on it. Here is how I look today: (I am not bound here, but when I am I am more passable)
So I just thought that some of you might be able to relate to the being dissasociated and TRYING to be a certain gender as chosen by society or our parents. Most people today, that knew me before, say that I carry myself more comfortable and I seem more “real” – Which I think is interesting. Let’s hope in another year or so as I pursue jobs that require me to move my body all day long I will begin to slim down even more. Currently, I am waiting to get all the paperwork resolved so that I can start a “on my feet” job and leave this “on my ass” job. I also plan to walk to and from work, 2 miles one way.