Natural Body Transformation

For me, the Testosterone is not an option. It goes against everything I believe in for myself… I don’t even take prescription medications – I only eat organic foods and am a vegetarian – I make all my own medicines – use all natural soaps all over my house. So for me, Testosterone is trying to control nature, something I just can’t do. I don’t do it in my garden, in fact I depend on nature to take good care of my crops so I don’t have to spray or fertilize with anything other than natural fertilizers. This theory that taking gender hormones is “controlling nature” is not meant to pass any judgement on people that choose it for themselves, but for me it would be morally wrong to take the hormones. I can’t change what nature gave me with something that a human has designed, I just don’t have enough respect for humans. Anyway off my environmentalist tree hugging box and back on to gender issues.

For me, it would be okay to work out or find a job/hobby that would help shape my body in a way that would present who I really am. For me, I am something in between male and female, maybe including both. So I pursue all sorts of life changes including food changes, such as I haven’t eaten fast food in 2+ years. I took meat from my diet and its all whole grains… I try to be more active and try to find comfort in moving my body.

Before I became comfortable with my gender I ate everything in sight, and a lot of it. I pursued fast food about 3-4x’s a week or more. I had an insatiable sweet tooth and I rarely ate fruits or vegetables. I had the typical american diet. I hated moving my body and I smoked…. It was like I was doing everything I could to hurt my body. Including having a risky non respectful sex life. I was so disassociated with my body that I didn’t even know when I hurt it. Of course, when I was in therapy a lot of this was dealt with… and I am still working on staying connected to my body. My body was very fem and I never really noticed. I dressed for the situation, sometimes masculine sometimes femme, depending on what I thought was expected at the time. But I was never reflecting the real me and I often felt like I wore a mask. Here’s a photo from the “before” me:

Just after I quit smoking
At my heaviest weight.
There is a genderqeer under that....
This is me just before I discovered who I really was...

Then some time passed and my partner encouraged me to be whoever I was, even if that meant being a man. She encouraged me to explore and try a little of everything I had a desire to. I cut my hair and got in touch with my body. I quit smoking, I changed my clothing style, I stopped wearing bras, I wore men’s underwear, I changed my food habits. I lost 50lbs after I gained 30lbs quitting smoking. Today I continue to lose weight, slowly and work on the reshaping my body. Slowly, as I didn’t gain this extra baggage in just a few years, it took me 10  years to gain it all. I am changing my lifestyle one piece at a time. Learning to enjoy moving my body and changing my lifestyle to include this desire has been tough, but I am working on it. Here is how I look today: (I am not bound here, but when I am I am more passable)

I might look about the same size but I think its the baggy clothing
With a more reflection of me, now just to work on losing more weight.

So I just thought that some of you might be able to relate to the being dissasociated and TRYING to be a certain gender as chosen by society or our parents. Most people today, that knew me before, say that I carry myself more comfortable and I seem more “real” – Which I think is interesting. Let’s hope in another year or so as I pursue jobs that require me to move my body all day long I will begin to slim down even more. Currently, I am waiting to get all the paperwork resolved so that I can start a “on my feet” job and leave this “on my ass” job. I also plan to walk to and from work, 2 miles one way.

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Jesse says:

    Hi there.. I just wanted to say that I think it’s great that you’ve been working to better yourself- your body naturally.

    I tried giving up meat and failed miserably. I also quit smoking once and then resumed after 6 months smoke free. It’s not easy so I wanted to give you kudos.

    Also, not sure if you are familiar with some of the ways to transition naturally without testosterone therapy, but here’s a link to some info that I thought was interesting. http://www.transqueernation.com/page/natural-transitioning-an-ftm

  2. Lee says:

    I feel the same way about T. At first I was tempted, and I experimented with natural T boosters like Tribulus and DIM. But my organic and simple living lifestyle seemed at odds with the desire to alter my body. In the end I accepted both the male and female aspects of my being. I think going on T would have been a mistake.

    There was also a lot of pressure from society to choose. People seemed to understand me being trans, but not androgynous or genderqueer. My bi-sexual friends tell me they feel a similar pressure to choose one gender over the other in terms of sexual partners.

    I don’t know, it seems restricting to me. I like being able to pass as boy one day, a tomboy the next, and occasionally a grrrl.

    1. It’s really great to hear from another person like me, Lee. As when I got to the transgender groups I often feel pressured to choose, even if they don’t directly say anything. Also, I guess because of my organic and natural lifestyle combined with everything else that makes me different I often end up feeling like an outcast. I am sure you know the feeling! Its nice to know I am not the only healthy geeky genderqeer that will NOT choose. 🙂

  3. Lee says:

    I’m glad I stumbled on your blog… Healthy Geeky Vegetarian Genderqueers Unite!!!

    When I was first having issues with my gender I went through this brief period where I rejected everything female about myself, even the things I enjoyed. What a mistake! If I were born a biological male, I would be such a effeminate girly boy. Who knows, maybe I would have the same gender issues.

    But it’s this awesome combination of traits that makes us who we are. I love how I can kick ass in Judo and then go home and knit the cutest hat while watching Alien Versus Predator in my bright purple slippers. 😛

  4. CuriousMV says:

    Hello,

    First, good job on losing those extra pounds. Weight loss is not easy, and it takes much dedication.

    I am an FTM who has transitioned almost fully without hormones. I did take T for about 3 months some 8 years ago, but I do not see that as significant enough to make lasting changes. For me, this transition has been mental. It was about me learning how to live as a man in the world. I had to go through a boyhood, just like every other man. Now, i feel I’m in adolescence, soon to graduate into manhood. It was almost all mental. I did have the top surgery because it makes life easier in terms of passing, but I still have periods and all that other stuff. My biggest fear about taking T is that I don’t want to die early because of it.

    So, more kudos to you. Good luck on your journey.

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