I noticed as time passes and Izzy, my drag king persona, does not have an outlet I am feeling rather oppressed and tense. I take time for myself all the time to be sure I do things that are good for me, such as yoga. But something is different about time spent on Izzy. I know that my expression as Izzy is also important and healthy for me. Often when I miss things I appreciate them more, creating gratitude for later on when I remember doing without. I think a lot of us are more grateful when we know what its like to do without, especially if you have had it and then didn’t anymore.
I knew that re-establishing in a new city would be a challenge. I reached out and some of those people HAVE helped me, several others are no longer active for a variety of reasons. Now I am trying to reach out and find the drag community so I can be involved once again. Its also about circumstances because in my normal every day life I must work and establish a stable life here. A stable regular life supports a good drag career in most cases. So its just a matter of circumstances why I am not involved in a drag show right now in Denver. It’s happening but slowly, slower than I like.
In my daily every day life most people see me as female and of course imply gender roles around it. I work with the elderly and they struggle with the fact I am legally married to a woman. So approaching any gender dysphoria is non-negotiable. Although I have met people out here that identify as allies, never to be underestimated to have a straight person on your side. Regardless, my masculine presentation here certainly gets the eyeball like in most places but out here not for long. Most people get past it fast or are really good at pretending it doesn’t effect them. Still the group most offended by me being masculine is men. Sometimes they are aggressive and purposely bump into me, to show their strength. I don’t bother to participate in the competition because its never worth it. I am a peaceful soldier and a lover, not a fighter. Still I am left with a feeling of being a freak in our culture, even though I realize its our cultures insistence on the binary that keeps my dysphoria alive. I am just too stubborn to comply and I refuse to put my body and soul through changes in order to fit into the binary. I refuse to ignore the masculine or feminine side – I want space for both. I need people to see me as both! Drag does that for me.
I notice that my gender dysphoria worsens when I am not spending time with the drag community. By gender dysphoria I mean the anxiety and depression that affects many of us. Its like we feel a certain way and then someone does something that highlights our sex organs rather than our gender expression. At this point I feel oppressed – the binary is so frigid. I believe early on, before I was a king, I attended the shows because I felt a level of kinship with the queens. When I became a king myself it was always about the art and the expression of my masculine side. I spent a year with regular shows, sometimes several a month. I began to feel well balanced and even reached my limit with performances. I found that my dysphoria began to dissipate as I performed more and more.
Then as time passes and I am not able to perform I notice my dysphoria coming to the head again. I began to become more and more sensitive to pronouns and phrases. It feels like the more I am oppressed in daily life and my gender is assumed, the more I need to express as a masculine. Then the more I have a balance the more androgynous, free and natural I feel. Its a very liberating feeling and frankly its priceless to me right now. I began to resist my monthly cycle as an insult to my body rather than a blessing from the goddess to celebrate my femininity. I feel more and more cast aside and find my struggle to get more intense. This is my reminder of just how big of a problem gender roles are for a lot of us. This is what could easily lead me to want to transition but I am determined to honor my full self! I am determined to find a middle place where I can celebrate and love both the male and female side of me. As I have time for both I find myself better balanced in the middle, committed to supporting both sides of myself.
As I watch the Drag Kings I helped get started in PA grow I am nostalgic at my experience in PA. I love that all the kings has emerged and many of them are pretty dam good. Maxwell Treats looks amazing! His costuming and performance are top notch! I love the way he bends gender so much you can’t decide, yet he is masculine enough to be a king. Mykel Bono is an amazing make-up artist with a talent for looking DAMMM good! His performances got better right before my eyes, just before I left for Colorado. When I left he had won the amateur drag race, he really is an amazing king! Then to see Chase grow with the new kings is inspirational from my perspective. Of course then there is Justin Her Fontaine whom I have always supported since they showed interest way back when I first started. Today I am happy to support any king, in any city, anywhere. I want to increase the kings just like what happened in PA. I want to bring them out of the woodwork and have them bring their best to the stage just like these kings do today in PA.
Drag has changed my life! It is part of my gender expression. Being a Drag King is part of who I am.Not only has it introduced me to some pretty dam amazing people but it has also given me an outlet. A real honest to god outlet that feels good in a way that leads me to more balanced places. Izzy keeps me sane! For now as I try to get involved in my new city I know that I will be lead to good places. Maybe this whole experience will help me understand myself on a deeper level. Either way it could support my journey in some way that I don’t see yet.
Just so you know that soon to be born will be a new large Group blog for Queer Spirituality with a sex positive tone to it. Its announcement is soon to come but if your interested in contributing please contact me. Soon to come some interviews with local queens…