I have had this transgender stuff burried for so long that I am having issues identifying whats me and whats a role that I took to appear as a woman. I also just feel sad… all over… simply because I am trans. Who would choose this path for themselves. There is very little positives in this deal. I feel like life has given me a raw deal.

Childhood full of abuse. A family that doesn’t have time for me or care to have time for me. Years of a fake life where I was doing what I SHOULD do rather than what I WANT to do. My best talent is sex, which doesn’t cross over well. NOW I am transgendered. WTF??!! Why did I end up with all this stuff? Why am I not just normal, like everyone else. I am so afraid to tell any of my family about being transgender that I am actually contemplating staying in the closet. The more I think about staying in the closet the more I get anxious. Then I think about telling them and I know that I will, once and for all, lose my family. Now I can’t decide if that’s a good thing… or a bad thing? What about my son? What about Arial’s family? What about my Girl Scouts, can I break ANOTHER group of children’s hearts??

The longer I wait or try to put off doing anything the stronger my anxiety attacks. I want to just take a break from thinking about being transgendered but once I do I end up with an axiety attack. THEN I end up crying if I think about it. I just am struggling with this entire thing… its just a lot more heartache and trouble that I am not sure I can get through. I feel like I am at my wits end with my life!! Plus I STILL need to lose a lot of weight, which I been unable to stay on my diet for the past week or so. I been on and off.

I don’t know how all of this will end up but my fears tell me it probably won’t be the way I want it to. I feel like I am being forced to walk into a train. Sigh* Why me?

Spirit… Oh Spirit… Show me, of please show me why you have chosen me to be “two spirited”. What am I to do?

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