So for the past 6 months I was thinking I might be happier if I transitioned to a “man” using either natural methods or injecting Testosterone. I kept hesitating though… it seems to me that hesitation is a warning sign… plus I am old enough to know that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I kept thinking things like: “But I am not totally a MAN and don’t WANT to be” “I want to be a transman not a MAN” “Would I lose that female sisterhood that seems to be standard if I start taking Testosterone?” “What if I don’t like being a man?’ “What if I don’t like T” and the hesitation goes on and on.
The thing is that as I met, spent time with, and talked to people that had transitioned or were currently in the middle of transitioning… I DIDN’T want what they had. In fact the more I listened to them the more I realized that what they had was the binary and I just don’t like the binary, regardless of what side I am on. I like the middle… I like “transgender” In fact its even a part of my sexuality. I am attracted to “gender benders” and if they go too much to one side I begin to lose interest. I don’t like myself too femme or masculine and frankly I am super attracted to androgyny.
So even though I feel pressure from our world to become part of the binary – I won’t choose! I am a female at work, because to the elderly life is already confusing enough for them. Although I am always happy when someone calls me a “boy” or something like that. It makes me very happy to question their 80 to 100 year old gender roles. I just love that I push their binary buttons… and I hope I continue to do that with others in our world.
I will continue to ask people to use both pronouns, if they care to be compassionate. I still love it when my wife calls me her boyfriend in one conversation and than calls me a lesbian in another. I am a super butch and I like it! I don’t want to transition because I have zero desire for facial hair, baldness, or super sex drives. I want to bend my gender because frankly its the sexiest dam thing I have ever experienced. I will continue to call myself a Genderqueer Transman – cause that is what I am!
Izzy Ahee 
I find your outlook refreshing! I personally ID as female, but I see myself in more than one place along a spectrum there, I have found that for me, transition was the right thing. I certainly do not feel that it is the way to go for everyone out there. Regardless of where I see myself in terms of gender identity, sexual orientation, or genitalia/sex, I see all of those as separate aspects that are spectrums or expanses, rather than opposing dichotomies.
I don’t necessarily fall into a polarity on any of those, and I truly feel that people may be at multiple points along each spectrum. I understand some people have their own personal need to “pick a side”, but I do not feel that those of us who know otherwise for ourselves are “sitting on the fence”.
Kudos to you for embracing your own essence! Don’t let the “pick one” crowd sway you.
Hi Nuala,
I totally respect you as however you present yourself to the world. Most people, after transition, realize that there is a spectrum… just something I noticed. Not that it makes your transition less valid… but I think when people transition they are so stuck on getting to the other side. I know transwomen in transition now that try WAY TO HARD to be super femme… this just makes them seem fake. Like you can tell they are trying to hard. I find that after years of transition and some introspection most transwomen/transmen discover that they are still the same person and that they just like to be presented to the world as the gender they transitioned to AND they like to be treated as that as well. So you likely love having a MAN hold the door for you, take you out to dinner, wine and dine you…likely love women to do their hair with you and share make up tips. Transmen are much in the same that they like when men treat them like they would treat other men. I issue is not with TRANSPEOPLE for sure…. its certainly with our world! I think that the world is such a crazy place that you have to go through all these steps in order to be even half as respected as you should be. THAT’S RIDICULOUS! I think our world needs to get their head off genitalia and remember that people are just people, who cares if they wear a dress or shoot guns?
Im Not Sure If U Really Understand What Being a Transgender Man Means. Im a Transgender Man…Its Not a Fad..Its WHO I Am …A Man!! To Me Ur Not A Candidate For Change…Its Not Something U Think Oh The Hair This n That!! Its Something Internal ..Its How We See Ourselves…We Are Men Trapped In A Womans Body…And We Are Very Unhappy With Ourselves To A Point Some Of Us Kill Ourselves…So If Ur In The Binary Or Not….It Isnt A Choice For Us…Its Who We Are!! A MAN!!
Dean, I am not sure you really completely understand GENDER and its binary effects on the transgender community and our culture as a whole. Here’s your first exercise… in words I want you to tell me what makes a MAN and what makes someone a WOMAN. Please…. by all means explain this to me? Cause I don’t get it! If I identify as a Genderqueer Transman than I have EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD to do so. Just like you have EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD to identify as a man! I do feel like a SOMETHING (undefined by our culture) trapped in what our culture sees as a woman’s body. Hence why I am naturally changing my body much in the same way as Tristan Skye. Do you know who he is? So first… please identify in words what makes a woman… then do the same thing for what makes a man… then we will continue the conversation regarding the binary and gender. I realize that your taking offense to what I am saying because you have had to work so hard in defending your gender to the world you have been forced to yell it into everyone’s face. This is so sad that the transgender culture should even have to exist much less have to defend themselves. If someone with a penis wants to wear a dress, make up, and go shopping for new high heels than that person should be respected just as much as the person with a penis that likes to go fishing, work on their car, and play paintball in the woods with their buddies. Just like the person whom has a vagina that likes to wear jeans and flannel shirts, play shoot em’ up video games, and fix things around the house is just as valid as the person whom happens to have a vagina and likes to wear dresses, makeup, and does small crafts at home. Why does our genitalia need to dictate what we wear, what we like to do, or how we present ourselves to the world. Why can’t we all just be people… why does gender even exist???
This is a great post that I can really relate to. Thanks for sharing!
Hey Lee,
Isn’t it great to know there are other “genderqueers” in the world!
What a great conversation we have going here!
It seems like we live in a world that has something against being in the middle. These two sides create conflict when they should be complimentary. There is pressure to choose sides, no matter if it is male or female, gay or straight, conservative or liberal, etc. If you are not one or the other then it is assumed that you are confused or uncertain. I went through the same thing when I came out as bisexual as I did when I came out as genderqueer. Not everyone needs to be male OR female 100% of the time each day. Sure, some people can pick a side and that is fine. But I think people in general would benefit from having these gender-binary stigmas lifted.
Exactly Lee,
I often wonder what the world would be like if gender just did not exist at all and I am hoping to get to writing some creative stories about a world where it doesn’t exist and only did in history books. It will likely be futuristic… maybe the future of our culture. I just wonder if people would choose sides less or even at all and how would procreation work at that point… Welcome to my fantasy world! 😉
Cool idea. Let me know if you need an editor or any help with the stories, I’m a freelance writer! 🙂