Again I struggle with it. At work I am mostly female – except when alzheimer’s patients see me, they see a man, but often with other ugly ties to it as well…LOL.
Anyway, at home I feel genderfull – in that my behaviors cannot be dictated by gender and my interests are not dictated by the gender I choose to be presenting as. My gender is just that, its a gender, not binary but instead more like a range. I just don’t get the binary, its confusing to me. That is what makes me GenderQueer. Even transwoman and transmen are confusing to me because many of them leave behind things they loved as their born gender when they transition to the gender that makes them more comfortable. If that works for them, its all good, but for me, it just doesn’t work. I feel like gender should not exist, at all, in our world. Don’t judge me based on my gender and the more you do, the more angry and frustrated I get. Even if your assuming things because I sometimes identify as a transman, who the fuck are you to assume that I am this or that because I show a desire to be more masculine! How dare you assume because I have tits I can’t lift something heavy, how dare you assume that because I am a transman that I cannot make pretty crafts from flowers!! What the hell is wrong with this world?? Why does gender dictate what you do, how you relate to people, and what your interested in?? *sigh* Okay I am ranting….
Recently I have found myself deep in the Otherkin community that just totally embraces that and just accepts whatever you say, no judging bullshit. It’s nice and I am enjoying it. Especially about my gender. But occasionally I must stick my head out to the rest of the world and say, “Fuck your Binary, take it and shove it up your Arse!! and then shit it out with the rest of the shit that’s coming from your mouth. ” LMFAO!
Ok, thanks for letting me express that moment of frustration… In good news I have totally embraced all that is me, boy, girl and everything in between. I wear my binder, sometimes. I wear pink and flowers, sometimes. I hold the door open for a girl, sometimes. I plant flowers in my garden, sometimes. So when my father – in – law said to me, “Well if you wanna be a man you gotta learn to use tools.” I stared at him with this completely stunned look and said, “I can be any kind of man I want to be, I don’t like tools. I work on computers with little tools, but it bothers my carpel tunnel, therefore I hate tools. That’s who I am, regardless of gender.” He just shook his head and we turned to the women discussing health, end of conversation. Good for me for standing up for myself! He later stated something like, “Well sometimes men just have to do things they don’t want to do.” (referring to me not wanting to cut the grass) and I said, “Yah that’s true but sometimes I’d rather some boy did it for me. ” I smiled and again the conversation ended.
I don’t even fuck binary people…. LMFAO! Binary is scary stuff to me and way to boring!
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**smiles** I like the way you think about how many approach what they consider “transition”. Often when people transition it reminds me of the phrase, or saying; “When I was a child I acted like a child. Now that I am an adult I put away those childish things.” :o\ Kinda “binary” in my way of thinking which of course it usually also “exclusionary” which frequently deletes the better part of the person leaving them more like a “hollow shell” than a fully functioning human being. I agree with you about sacraficing large chunks of your life to fit into an often limiting shell that may “look” right on the outside, but is anything but on the inside where it really matters most. Thank you for your thinking.