A lot has been happening with me this past 6 months with gender and socializing but I have had really no time to organize my thoughts much more than write them down in an organized fashion. Today, Winter Solstice, a day of rest for me has found my mind to be racing with all that I have done in the past 6 months.
First, I will begin with the light that came on sometime in the spring. I began to awaken to the fact that I was more uncomfortable being a trans man than being a woman, at least I looked the part. Ha Ha! Even though I present much better in the masculine than the feminine I knew that as a trans man I would always be worried someone would discover my genitalia and this would make me socially awkward, even more than I already am. Than I thought…. what is there about my “womanhood” that I want to keep. I don’t want to abandon that.
This lead me to the free expression of my feminine as I see it. I am a woman, I have a vagina that has given birth to my now 20yo son. Biologically speaking, I am a woman and have shared a body with another living being, I have felt a life spring from within me and venture out into our world. I look upon this being on a regular basis with unconditional love and wonderment at the abandonment of gender he has embraced. I never withheld gifts or activities because of gender – and never stopped any type of gender expression regardless of its roots. Now my son doesn’t understand why the 40yo men look down at him for hoola hooping with all the women… he thinks they are obviously jealous. My son doesn’t understand why a girl wouldn’t want to get her hands dirty with dirt or oil. He plays on his strengths – not his gender. Interesting what I taught him….how could this be that I am here trying to understand gender but I have taught my son that there are no boundaries in gender.
Here I am a 37yo mother that is in love with a woman – how will I find myself now that my son is grown? Yes I guess I am a lesbian in that I have a female body and I prefer other female bodied people. I also sometimes find myself attracted to other gender variant people. I sometimes identify more with men and sometimes wish that people would not assume what I might like or not like based on my genitalia. Some people assume my skills and talents based on that, too, and I find that offensive. I also find myself, with other women, taking on a sort of butch role – but not the way you might think. I don’t like tools and I just have no interest in fixing things, but I would love it if you did 🙂 No No, I am masculine in romantic ways – I buy women roses, I say sweet things women like to hear, I got down on my knee to ask for my wife to marry me (video proof even). I bought her a ring, I feel like a man when I am in love. Does that make me a man? Sometimes in social situations I understand better what the men are saying and in other times I understand the women more.
So which is it? Ohhh wait I don’t have to choose!
In that tone this fall I got together with our new local LGBT center to start a “Gender Variance” discussion group. Where we explore gender, the roles of gender, and how they effect our daily lives – together as a diverse group of people.
This month’s topic is “Sex, Love, and Gender” @ Harrisburg, PA LGBT Center
Ohhh yah I am still working at changing my body naturally to present a lot more adrogynous, but I have a lot of weight to lose. I have lost a lot but need to lose another 40-50lbs. I will update the photos on my about page 🙂