So for the past 6 months I was thinking I might be happier if I transitioned to a “man” using either natural methods or injecting Testosterone. I kept hesitating though… it seems to me that hesitation is a warning sign… plus I am old enough to know that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I kept thinking things like: “But I am not totally a MAN and don’t WANT to be” “I want to be a transman not a MAN” “Would I lose that female sisterhood that seems to be standard if I start taking Testosterone?” “What if I don’t like being a man?’ “What if I don’t like T” and the hesitation goes on and on.
The thing is that as I met, spent time with, and talked to people that had transitioned or were currently in the middle of transitioning… I DIDN’T want what they had. In fact the more I listened to them the more I realized that what they had was the binary and I just don’t like the binary, regardless of what side I am on. I like the middle… I like “transgender” In fact its even a part of my sexuality. I am attracted to “gender benders” and if they go too much to one side I begin to lose interest. I don’t like myself too femme or masculine and frankly I am super attracted to androgyny.
So even though I feel pressure from our world to become part of the binary – I won’t choose! I am a female at work, because to the elderly life is already confusing enough for them. Although I am always happy when someone calls me a “boy” or something like that. It makes me very happy to question their 80 to 100 year old gender roles. I just love that I push their binary buttons… and I hope I continue to do that with others in our world.
I will continue to ask people to use both pronouns, if they care to be compassionate. I still love it when my wife calls me her boyfriend in one conversation and than calls me a lesbian in another. I am a super butch and I like it! I don’t want to transition because I have zero desire for facial hair, baldness, or super sex drives. I want to bend my gender because frankly its the sexiest dam thing I have ever experienced. I will continue to call myself a Genderqueer Transman – cause that is what I am!